Torn..Grief or Relief?
This morning I received an early phone call from my daughter. She had news about my old house that had been gutted by fire a few months ago. It was being torn down as she gently spoke to me about it. I didn't know what to say or how to feel when I first heard her speak of it. Now..hours later.. thoughts of this home keep creeping back in.. among a thousand other thoughts. Perhaps this demise is not such a bad thing. Though I wrote mostly of good memories and musings on my previous blog, there were many days in that house I would just as soon erase as if they never existed. I am sad to admit this but truth is important when it comes to understanding and trying to slide into another person's shoes. If I had to live many of those bad days that happened over..I would change how I handled them..how I reacted. Perhaps the outcome of the lives affected would have been different. I will never know how much difference I could have made. I know now I did the best I could at the time. But wisdom and experience from time marching on has made me realize perhaps I could have made better choices. Perhaps my "sacrifices" were not of myself but of others I sought only to protect. Perhaps with the demise of this former home I can put to rest the haunting images and terrifying scenes that so often permeate my dreams. Perhaps the paralyzing fears that affect my waking life so often and so greatly will dissipate. I devoutedly hope so..I so desperately need to be forgiven. I need to forgive myself for the lack of insight, maturity and for letting fear rule my life. What I did and also what I didn't do in that house..was out of both fear and also...love. I know now fear is the worst excuse possible. As for love.... much as we want it to be..love isn't always enough..is it?
This morning I received an early phone call from my daughter. She had news about my old house that had been gutted by fire a few months ago. It was being torn down as she gently spoke to me about it. I didn't know what to say or how to feel when I first heard her speak of it. Now..hours later.. thoughts of this home keep creeping back in.. among a thousand other thoughts. Perhaps this demise is not such a bad thing. Though I wrote mostly of good memories and musings on my previous blog, there were many days in that house I would just as soon erase as if they never existed. I am sad to admit this but truth is important when it comes to understanding and trying to slide into another person's shoes. If I had to live many of those bad days that happened over..I would change how I handled them..how I reacted. Perhaps the outcome of the lives affected would have been different. I will never know how much difference I could have made. I know now I did the best I could at the time. But wisdom and experience from time marching on has made me realize perhaps I could have made better choices. Perhaps my "sacrifices" were not of myself but of others I sought only to protect. Perhaps with the demise of this former home I can put to rest the haunting images and terrifying scenes that so often permeate my dreams. Perhaps the paralyzing fears that affect my waking life so often and so greatly will dissipate. I devoutedly hope so..I so desperately need to be forgiven. I need to forgive myself for the lack of insight, maturity and for letting fear rule my life. What I did and also what I didn't do in that house..was out of both fear and also...love. I know now fear is the worst excuse possible. As for love.... much as we want it to be..love isn't always enough..is it?
posted by Tortikat at 3:19 PM
2 Comments:
Everything that has happened to you makes you the wonderful person that you are today. In my group last evening, we were studying Philippians 3:13-14". So we must move on, forgive, and grow from here. God will continue to bless you and heal the hurts. Regret doesn't have to part of your future.
I don't think I can say it better than Sam, but I do think that deciding to forgive yourself is one thing, but forgiving yourself everyday is another...for my part...I couldn't be happier able my life, and where I'm at...you had everything to do with that...think of that next time you think of beating yourself up...there is good in even the hardest of times. I love u.
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