Hi Mom,

It’ unbelievable that four years have come and gone since you left us. I look around me and see how much you have missed. Days of great joy, days of staggering grief, days of monumental change, and days of sameness. Some beloved lights were extinguished and others were created. Most still burn bright. Yes, life goes on but it’s ever changing, ever evolving. I am glad you didn’t live to see Uncle Claude’s passing. It was quick and surprising to us all. Eris’s passing was so difficult to watch. I visited her in the hospital three weeks before her death. Both she and Duaine had terrible lung infections. Eris’s was worse than Duaine’s but she fought so hard to shake it off. Finally the doctor said, “Go home. There’s nothing more I can do.” So she did, so weak she couldn’t manage even the simplest of functions. But her spirit was still there and a few days later she made her final outing to the hospital to see her first born great grandchild (Emily’s) through the nursery window. She passed quietly a few days later in the wee hours with her kids, grandchildren and Duaine at her side. Her funeral was well attended with so many family and friends. It seemed strange you weren’t there. I was there, Denny was there and even Shawn made it. Losing her reminded me in part, of losing you. She was such a part of our lives for so long. Among my best memories are the fun times we had with her and the family. The trips, the picnics, the holiday celebrations, and even the simplest get-togethers were so warm in my memory. It’s so sad that you and she never came to terms with your differences. But I know both of you cared for the other deeply. I am sure both of you were aware of that as well.

Laura gave birth to a beautiful sweet daughter, Grace about a month after your passing. Oh Mom, I so hope you can somehow see her. She is everything a person could dream of to have in a child. She’s so adorable, so impish, so funny, bright, a real character. She so reminiscent of Laura it’s scary! I am so happy Laura had a daughter so much like she was as a child. Now she can have in Grace what I loved so much about having my own daughter.

Then, nearly two years ago, Laura gave birth to yet another son. We all went through so much anguish, during Laura’s pregnancy. A few months into her pregnancy after tests, doctors told her he was hopelessly deformed and so deathly ill that there was virtually no chance for him to survive. He wasn’t expected to live to full term and if by some chance he did, he would die within hours of birth. Laura and Sam were told to terminate this pregnancy. They refused, choosing to leave this poor soul's fate in God’s hands. I immediately left for Michigan to stay with Laura and help her cope with this devastating news. But how do you console someone with that kind of future? No one could. Try as I might I couldn’t help her, Mom. Laura and Sam asked for prayers for their precious unborn child from everyone. Kevin and I had people praying from our church. Mom, literally hundreds of people from all over the country prayed for them. Weeks went by and the baby grew. The sense of dread and grief hung heavy over us all, almost suffocating. Laura felt the baby wasn’t going to make it through Christmas. Laura and Sam named the baby Immanuel which means “God is with us.” Christmas came and went and the baby was still alive… One day in January Laura went for tests on the baby once again. The results were nothing short of astounding! They showed all the defects had disappeared and that he was healthy! The doctors could not explain it. He still tested positive for Down’s Syndrome. Laura anguished, “I can handle anything but losing him.” Late in April the most beautiful little baby boy was born. His Down’s was so mild you couldn’t even tell he has it. Manny is a pure joy, a happy little guy with a winsome personality and an abundance of charm. He has a very special affect on those who meet him. This child’s coming was the most miraculous event you can imagine and a true testament to what faith and trusting God can do.

Mom, this amazing child’s story has brought both Kev and I back to God. We found the most wonderful church and we are members now and active participants. We take classes to learn more about God and expand our knowledge of Jesus and Christianity several times each year. Every week neither of us can hardly wait to attend church and the classes. We have made a lot of friends in this church and we even do things socially outside of church with them. Can you imagine me being this way? I am so much happier now. I only wish you could have been here to see it. Maybe you can…

Even though we are four years since you left us, I still can’t easily deal with your things. There’s a closet in the “Motel 6 room” that is completely filled with your Christmas decorations. I haven’t even looked at them, Mom. I can’t. You always had such special Christmas’s for us every year. Your house was always so beautifully decorated and Christmas Eves were so wonderful. I miss you so terribly especially on those days; all Christmas Eves since those days pale in comparison. I don’t know how to give your things away. They meant too much to you and now too much to me. It’s like contemplating giving a part of you away. I guess I am not strong enough yet. Laura suggested I have my neighbour, Donna, help me. But Donna never knew you. Eris is gone and Ardith will never visit again. Maybe someday Laura can help me with this. Until that time I hold that closet dear along with all those great memories. Thank you for those, Mom and so many others. I miss you and will always love you.

Your loving daughter,
Marta

The Passing of an icon...........John.

It's hard to believe that 25 years have come
and gone since the murder of John Lennon.

I was a diehard Beatle fan from the first time
I laid eyes on them on the Ed Sullivan Show. I

was one week shy of 14 years old then. I will

never forget their impact on me beginning at

that time. They helped define who I was, my

taste and love of music, my love of live concerts,

the inspiration to teach myself to play the guitar.

I even eventually went on to teach guitar at the
tender young age of 16. I wrote a prize winning

story about them in high school..I even had my

hair cut in a "Beatle" cut. All of my friends at

that time were huge Beatle fans as well.

Countless hours were spent playing their records,

reading every book and fan magazine I could get

my hands on. It was two years before I was to see

them play in person and oh what a day that was!

I was a grown woman with a family of my own when

I first heard the news of that John had been shot.
I feel that the music culture was changed forever

by his passing. What a waste his death was! I realize

today I still feel the grief as acutely as I did the day it
happened. I hope he's playing and writing music in a

better place now. At least he can't be hurt again by

some absurd, insane killer. He is sorely missed...by

millions whose lives he not only touched but impacted
in ways he will never know..

To all who read my words..today I received the following in an email. The words really hit home so I am sharing them...enjoy..

Who You Are
============
I find myself on the downhill slide of yet another trial in my life where confusion seemed to be the only thing I was sure of.

Who, what, why, when, how, and how long were the questions I didn't have answers for.

Last night, I sat quietly and instead of asking, I just listened.

God whispered to me.

Who I am is a child of His.

What I am is a wife and mother.

Why is something we can only figure out as we go along. When is always and can never be more than right here and right now (live for today).

How is only with His help, and how long depends mostly on us.

He explained to me that I am who and what I am(don't try to be any more or any less) therefore I need to do and be the best that I can at all times.

I get discouraged, but I also have the ability to inspire and be inspired.

I become sad sometimes, but I can also experience joy.

I can become angry, but I have the heart to console.

I need to be forgiven sometimes (a lot) but I can also forgive.

I feel helpless at times, but can still lend a hand or ear to help others.

I am a teacher, but I still have much to learn.

I get confused, but deep down I know the answers are within my grasp.

It is the same grasp that boldly lifts my hands to Heaven, and gently brings me to my knees.

Sometimes I feel lost, but that is merely an illusion because it is not only enough for my Father to know where I am and exactly what I am going through,

He has every hair on my head numbered.

Life is a series of lessons to be learned. That is the only way we can grow.

I wish I had all the answers, but sometimes I think (I know) the only way for us to become stronger and grow into what He wants us to be, is to walk through the fire.

So, whatever you're going through, hold your head up, guard your heart, and put all your faith and trust in the only ONE who will never fail you....... JESUS.......

Remember all the things you can be even when you are sometimes those things you wish you weren't.

~ by Lanette Fernandez~

• TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP. I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
  THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE, BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
  TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION, THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
  SO I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR, AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
  GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS, AND TOMATOES.
  I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
  I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY, WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
  BUT I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES.... HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE! MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
  MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS. MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

Torn..Grief or Relief?

This morning I received an early phone call from my daughter. She had news about my old house that had been gutted by fire a few months ago. It was being torn down as she gently spoke to me about it. I didn't know what to say or how to feel when I first heard her speak of it. Now..hours later.. thoughts of this home keep creeping back in.. among a thousand other thoughts. Perhaps this demise is not such a bad thing. Though I wrote mostly of good memories and musings on my previous blog, there were many days in that house I would just as soon erase as if they never existed. I am sad to admit this but truth is important when it comes to understanding and trying to slide into another person's shoes. If I had to live many of those bad days that happened over..I would change how I handled them..how I reacted. Perhaps the outcome of the lives affected would have been different. I will never know how much difference I could have made. I know now I did the best I could at the time. But wisdom and experience from time marching on has made me realize perhaps I could have made better choices. Perhaps my "sacrifices" were not of myself but of others I sought only to protect. Perhaps with the demise of this former home I can put to rest the haunting images and terrifying scenes that so often permeate my dreams. Perhaps the paralyzing fears that affect my waking life so often and so greatly will dissipate. I devoutedly hope so..I so desperately need to be forgiven. I need to forgive myself for the lack of insight, maturity and for letting fear rule my life. What I did and also what I didn't do in that house..was out of both fear and also...love. I know now fear is the worst excuse possible. As for love.... much as we want it to be..love isn't always enough..is it?

Katrina......

Katrina hits a mighty blow

and takes down bridges and houses low.

Fierce water and winds no compassion shown.

Everywhere hot and dark, we feel so all alone.

The old, the rich, the sick, and the new,

Everyone piled upon the spew.

Equally dealing her miseryClass doesn't matter,

There's nowhere to flee.

Where once was a road only sits a tree.

The water is full of blood, grime, and dead.

Who could have thought, who could have said?

The baser drive of greed and lust...

How long do we wait to get on that bus?

We were happy in our homes a few days ago.

Where we will live now, no one's to know.

We get in cars, we get in the boats.

We get in any kind of box that will float.

"Help us, help us!" is all we hear.

There's much more now than the boogey-man to fear.

"My kids are hungry my dad is so sick."

"Help us please, and make it quick".

Where is the Army? Where are the troops?

To stop the anarchy, and the men who loot?

The baser drive of greed and lust...

How long must we wait to get on that bus?

Darkness falls again and again.

The stench of death, is it my friend?

I think it's hell we've slipped into. A scream, a shot, we hear now and then.

Among the babies, their crying a din.

Thousands are missing, where could they be.

Afraid to search, afraid to see.

In the attics, and on the roof.

Hold on a limb, and pray for proof

That God is watching, and that He's not aloof.

Glazed stares and tears replaced the smiles.

Choppers and busses to take us for miles.

Only to find another hell to endure.

Where is my family; if I could only be sure.

~by Linda Tate Wilson

Oh God..please help these people...

The "longer" you look at this picture, the "more" you see. Look at the lines the artist used to draw this picture of Christ.. It is of scenes from Christ's life.