Musings from Tort

2007-03-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Mom,

It’ unbelievable that four years have come and gone since you left us. I look around me and see how much you have missed. Days of great joy, days of staggering grief, days of monumental change, and days of sameness. Some beloved lights were extinguished and others were created. Most still burn bright. Yes, life goes on but it’s ever changing, ever evolving. I am glad you didn’t live to see Uncle Claude’s passing. It was quick and surprising to us all. Eris’s passing was so difficult to watch. I visited her in the hospital three weeks before her death. Both she and Duaine had terrible lung infections. Eris’s was worse than Duaine’s but she fought so hard to shake it off. Finally the doctor said, “Go home. There’s nothing more I can do.” So she did, so weak she couldn’t manage even the simplest of functions. But her spirit was still there and a few days later she made her final outing to the hospital to see her first born great grandchild (Emily’s) through the nursery window. She passed quietly a few days later in the wee hours with her kids, grandchildren and Duaine at her side. Her funeral was well attended with so many family and friends. It seemed strange you weren’t there. I was there, Denny was there and even Shawn made it. Losing her reminded me in part, of losing you. She was such a part of our lives for so long. Among my best memories are the fun times we had with her and the family. The trips, the picnics, the holiday celebrations, and even the simplest get-togethers were so warm in my memory. It’s so sad that you and she never came to terms with your differences. But I know both of you cared for the other deeply. I am sure both of you were aware of that as well.

Laura gave birth to a beautiful sweet daughter, Grace about a month after your passing. Oh Mom, I so hope you can somehow see her. She is everything a person could dream of to have in a child. She’s so adorable, so impish, so funny, bright, a real character. She so reminiscent of Laura it’s scary! I am so happy Laura had a daughter so much like she was as a child. Now she can have in Grace what I loved so much about having my own daughter.

Then, nearly two years ago, Laura gave birth to yet another son. We all went through so much anguish, during Laura’s pregnancy. A few months into her pregnancy after tests, doctors told her he was hopelessly deformed and so deathly ill that there was virtually no chance for him to survive. He wasn’t expected to live to full term and if by some chance he did, he would die within hours of birth. Laura and Sam were told to terminate this pregnancy. They refused, choosing to leave this poor soul's fate in God’s hands. I immediately left for Michigan to stay with Laura and help her cope with this devastating news. But how do you console someone with that kind of future? No one could. Try as I might I couldn’t help her, Mom. Laura and Sam asked for prayers for their precious unborn child from everyone. Kevin and I had people praying from our church. Mom, literally hundreds of people from all over the country prayed for them. Weeks went by and the baby grew. The sense of dread and grief hung heavy over us all, almost suffocating. Laura felt the baby wasn’t going to make it through Christmas. Laura and Sam named the baby Immanuel which means “God is with us.” Christmas came and went and the baby was still alive… One day in January Laura went for tests on the baby once again. The results were nothing short of astounding! They showed all the defects had disappeared and that he was healthy! The doctors could not explain it. He still tested positive for Down’s Syndrome. Laura anguished, “I can handle anything but losing him.” Late in April the most beautiful little baby boy was born. His Down’s was so mild you couldn’t even tell he has it. Manny is a pure joy, a happy little guy with a winsome personality and an abundance of charm. He has a very special affect on those who meet him. This child’s coming was the most miraculous event you can imagine and a true testament to what faith and trusting God can do.

Mom, this amazing child’s story has brought both Kev and I back to God. We found the most wonderful church and we are members now and active participants. We take classes to learn more about God and expand our knowledge of Jesus and Christianity several times each year. Every week neither of us can hardly wait to attend church and the classes. We have made a lot of friends in this church and we even do things socially outside of church with them. Can you imagine me being this way? I am so much happier now. I only wish you could have been here to see it. Maybe you can…

Even though we are four years since you left us, I still can’t easily deal with your things. There’s a closet in the “Motel 6 room” that is completely filled with your Christmas decorations. I haven’t even looked at them, Mom. I can’t. You always had such special Christmas’s for us every year. Your house was always so beautifully decorated and Christmas Eves were so wonderful. I miss you so terribly especially on those days; all Christmas Eves since those days pale in comparison. I don’t know how to give your things away. They meant too much to you and now too much to me. It’s like contemplating giving a part of you away. I guess I am not strong enough yet. Laura suggested I have my neighbour, Donna, help me. But Donna never knew you. Eris is gone and Ardith will never visit again. Maybe someday Laura can help me with this. Until that time I hold that closet dear along with all those great memories. Thank you for those, Mom and so many others. I miss you and will always love you.

Your loving daughter,
Marta

2005-12-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

The Passing of an icon...........John.

It's hard to believe that 25 years have come
and gone since the murder of John Lennon.

I was a diehard Beatle fan from the first time
I laid eyes on them on the Ed Sullivan Show. I

was one week shy of 14 years old then. I will

never forget their impact on me beginning at

that time. They helped define who I was, my

taste and love of music, my love of live concerts,

the inspiration to teach myself to play the guitar.

I even eventually went on to teach guitar at the
tender young age of 16. I wrote a prize winning

story about them in high school..I even had my

hair cut in a "Beatle" cut. All of my friends at

that time were huge Beatle fans as well.

Countless hours were spent playing their records,

reading every book and fan magazine I could get

my hands on. It was two years before I was to see

them play in person and oh what a day that was!

I was a grown woman with a family of my own when

I first heard the news of that John had been shot.
I feel that the music culture was changed forever

by his passing. What a waste his death was! I realize

today I still feel the grief as acutely as I did the day it
happened. I hope he's playing and writing music in a

better place now. At least he can't be hurt again by

some absurd, insane killer. He is sorely missed...by

millions whose lives he not only touched but impacted
in ways he will never know..

2005-11-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

To all who read my words..today I received the following in an email. The words really hit home so I am sharing them...enjoy..

2005-11-28T14:46:00.000-08:00

Who You Are
============
I find myself on the downhill slide of yet another trial in my life where confusion seemed to be the only thing I was sure of.

Who, what, why, when, how, and how long were the questions I didn't have answers for.

Last night, I sat quietly and instead of asking, I just listened.

God whispered to me.

Who I am is a child of His.

What I am is a wife and mother.

Why is something we can only figure out as we go along. When is always and can never be more than right here and right now (live for today).

How is only with His help, and how long depends mostly on us.

He explained to me that I am who and what I am(don't try to be any more or any less) therefore I need to do and be the best that I can at all times.

I get discouraged, but I also have the ability to inspire and be inspired.

I become sad sometimes, but I can also experience joy.

I can become angry, but I have the heart to console.

I need to be forgiven sometimes (a lot) but I can also forgive.

I feel helpless at times, but can still lend a hand or ear to help others.

I am a teacher, but I still have much to learn.

I get confused, but deep down I know the answers are within my grasp.

It is the same grasp that boldly lifts my hands to Heaven, and gently brings me to my knees.

Sometimes I feel lost, but that is merely an illusion because it is not only enough for my Father to know where I am and exactly what I am going through,

He has every hair on my head numbered.

Life is a series of lessons to be learned. That is the only way we can grow.

I wish I had all the answers, but sometimes I think (I know) the only way for us to become stronger and grow into what He wants us to be, is to walk through the fire.

So, whatever you're going through, hold your head up, guard your heart, and put all your faith and trust in the only ONE who will never fail you....... JESUS.......

Remember all the things you can be even when you are sometimes those things you wish you weren't.

~ by Lanette Fernandez~

2005-11-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP. I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE, BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION, THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR, AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS, AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY, WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES.... HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE! MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS. MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

2005-09-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

Torn..Grief or Relief?

This morning I received an early phone call from my daughter. She had news about my old house that had been gutted by fire a few months ago. It was being torn down as she gently spoke to me about it. I didn't know what to say or how to feel when I first heard her speak of it. Now..hours later.. thoughts of this home keep creeping back in.. among a thousand other thoughts. Perhaps this demise is not such a bad thing. Though I wrote mostly of good memories and musings on my previous blog, there were many days in that house I would just as soon erase as if they never existed. I am sad to admit this but truth is important when it comes to understanding and trying to slide into another person's shoes. If I had to live many of those bad days that happened over..I would change how I handled them..how I reacted. Perhaps the outcome of the lives affected would have been different. I will never know how much difference I could have made. I know now I did the best I could at the time. But wisdom and experience from time marching on has made me realize perhaps I could have made better choices. Perhaps my "sacrifices" were not of myself but of others I sought only to protect. Perhaps with the demise of this former home I can put to rest the haunting images and terrifying scenes that so often permeate my dreams. Perhaps the paralyzing fears that affect my waking life so often and so greatly will dissipate. I devoutedly hope so..I so desperately need to be forgiven. I need to forgive myself for the lack of insight, maturity and for letting fear rule my life. What I did and also what I didn't do in that house..was out of both fear and also...love. I know now fear is the worst excuse possible. As for love.... much as we want it to be..love isn't always enough..is it?

2005-09-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

Katrina......

Katrina hits a mighty blow

and takes down bridges and houses low.

Fierce water and winds no compassion shown.

Everywhere hot and dark, we feel so all alone.

The old, the rich, the sick, and the new,

Everyone piled upon the spew.

Equally dealing her miseryClass doesn't matter,

There's nowhere to flee.

Where once was a road only sits a tree.

The water is full of blood, grime, and dead.

Who could have thought, who could have said?

The baser drive of greed and lust...

How long do we wait to get on that bus?

We were happy in our homes a few days ago.

Where we will live now, no one's to know.

We get in cars, we get in the boats.

We get in any kind of box that will float.

"Help us, help us!" is all we hear.

There's much more now than the boogey-man to fear.

"My kids are hungry my dad is so sick."

"Help us please, and make it quick".

Where is the Army? Where are the troops?

To stop the anarchy, and the men who loot?

The baser drive of greed and lust...

How long must we wait to get on that bus?

Darkness falls again and again.

The stench of death, is it my friend?

I think it's hell we've slipped into. A scream, a shot, we hear now and then.

Among the babies, their crying a din.

Thousands are missing, where could they be.

Afraid to search, afraid to see.

In the attics, and on the roof.

Hold on a limb, and pray for proof

That God is watching, and that He's not aloof.

Glazed stares and tears replaced the smiles.

Choppers and busses to take us for miles.

Only to find another hell to endure.

Where is my family; if I could only be sure.

~by Linda Tate Wilson

Oh God..please help these people...

2005-08-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

The "longer" you look at this picture, the "more" you see. Look at the lines the artist used to draw this picture of Christ.. It is of scenes from Christ's life.

2005-08-23T02:33:00.000-07:00

Please pray for Wow...

2005-08-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

Divine Intervention?

Have you ever been witness to or known someone who has been involved in an incident that could only be described as divine intervention?

I remember an event that happened several years ago that profoundly affected me and many others that found out about it. I used to argue with my first husband, Chris, about which way way the fastest route to my business address. He would go the main route and I would go "the back way." If we left at the same time we usually arrived there at the same time. So the competition about who was right was really a joke between us. One morning I was over there early and something needed to be fixed right away. I called Mr. Fix-it right away and he agreed to come. Something compelled him the take "the back way" this time. This was really strange and completely out of character for him to do this. He drove down Potawatatomie Street just minding his own business. He observed a woman screaming hysterically in the street. Reluctant to become involved in what appeared to be a domestic dispute he drove by her intending to ignore it. But suddenly he stopped and leaped out of his truck and went back. The woman was now screaming coherently enough so he could understand the only words she could get out.. "My baby!!! My BABY!!!" Chris couldn't see the problem. He looked frantically around and to his horror discovered that a small child was lying in the street with the wheel of the screaming woman's heavy-duty truck resting on and crushing the child's head. Chris spotted a old man watching from the sidewalk and yelled for him to come help. Together the two men miraculously lifted the heavy truck off of the child and pulled him gently out safely away from further harm. The small boy was neither breathing nor was his heart beating and he was extremely blue. Quick as a wink Chris went to work on him giving him CPR and mouth to mouth resuscitation. He kept it up until the rescue squad arrived and took over. The child was rushed to the hospital..then life-flighted to University of MI hospital. His skull was fractured and he had other severe injuries. It was touch and go for a few days but he survived. He had to learn to walk and talk all over again but his prognosis was to make a slow but complete recovery. Everyone who saw what happened couldn't believe my ex could lift that truck off that baby with no help except a man in his 80's. I think something divine was at work here..don't you? I am reminded of this amazing event every time I hear the song.. "Angels Among US" by Alabama. The baby's mother really believed Chris was an angel sent to save her baby. I believe there were unseen hands helping him. What do you think?

2005-08-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Rusty Recluse??

One of my dearest internet friends, Ralph, suggested I write about friends today. Where do I even begin? I have known many friendships in my lifetime to this point. They vary in length, depth and character as do my interests. I never forget the friends I have known. The imprints of themselves they leave on me never fade but become a part of me for all time. It's very difficult for me to let go of people but that does seem to often be in the nature of friendship. People move in and out of our lives constantly as we move along the road of life. As we get older reaching out to make new ones often seems like a daunting task. This is especially true of those of us who still battle with shyness. Moving to a new area is the biggest challenge to me friendship-wise. I have made excuses for myself like "taking care of an almost invalid makes it nearly impossible to cultivate friends" or "I like being a hermit (lol)". But now Mom has passed on and it's been over two years now. I find myself facing the stark reality of serious loneliness. My husband is the best friend I'll ever have but I yearn for more friendships. Maybe one of these days I'll break out of myself and really give it a try..soon as I figure out how...

2005-07-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

Burning Down the House...

A sudden early morning phone call and my whole focus changed today in an instant. My former home is but a blackened broken mess of what it once was..burned away by one careless act. My family and I moved into this house in 1976 and lived there for 22 years..an entire generation plus a bit more. Children were raised there, a marriage struggled and after valiant efforts too numerous to recount... died there. So many dreams were born there...some realised, some fallen by the way...some blossomed into so much more than one's mind can fathom. So many memories flooding me today I can hardly count them. Birthdays, Christmas's, graduation receptions, Easter bunnies, countless cats, kittens, fish, turtles, gerbils that disappeared into the mystery of night (never to be seen again), a rat named Andre, various wild animals rescued and nurtured there... a glassblowing husband becoming a true artist, a woman coming into her own as a successful business owner. I remember an incredibly busy woman longing of having a little "resort" in her back yard...a month later...almost the entire back yard tranformed into an in ground pool of laughing splashing children ....strange unexplained noises heard almost nightly within the walls of the house for 22 years and no one ever figured out.for sure what made them...Children entering the threshold of adulthood and venturing out into the adult world to seek their destinies …two parents struggling with the loneliness of an empty nest and the realization that their relationship was winding down to the sad truth of separate paths being necessary and inevitable. As I write this a full range of emotional thoughts flood...many joyous,..many sweet,.many humourous…some bitter, some sad, and some regretful. Experiences in that house transformed us in part into who and what we are today.

I guess we turn the pages of our lives, finish chapters and move on but we never completely close the book on our past. The memories are forever burned into special places in our hearts...even when present events burn out the shellof the physical we always remain tied to where we came from.

2005-07-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

2005-07-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

another reptilian friend I met last summer on the banks of the St. Croix river..

2005-07-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

2005-07-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

A Leap of..Nature..?

It's Friday afternoon..the air is thick with both stifling humidity and the anticipation of what the weekend ahead will bring. A trip to the grocery store for pop yielded it's usual $100.00 worth of additional items (sigh..). Suddenly up the hilly driveway zooms a shiny black Mustang, it's driver grinning from ear to ear like a true Cheshire cat. He leaps out of the car with more than a usual spring in his step. He calls me over from grocery hauling to see what he has brought me. He points to the windshield wiper which lies flat in its usual position. I see nothing, then he suddenly cups something tiny, green and slightly slimy and opens his large hand to reveal none other than the return of Todias, the mystery toad. It seems this delicate creature appeared clinging perilously to the inside of the car door early this morning (5:20 am). Running late, Kev chose not to address this situation. So Todias rode the entire 26 miles to kev's workplace, hung out all day with the Mustang, then leaped one spectacular jump to the windshield and took the more thrilling ride home perched within the wiper blade. This would not seem so unusual had it not been for for an earlier reptilian appearance weeks earlier. I have no doubts whatsoever that this must be the same tiny toad that I found quivering in the watering can that sat inside my dining room all winter. Mind you, it's a mystery as to how this hopping wonder came to exist at all in my house after a long Minnesota winter (perhaps immaculate conception??). Anyway..I promptly named him To(a)dias and let him go in the backyard after a week of exquisite care on the kitchen counter.

It's nice to see he had quadrupled in size, but sadly his shyness remains intact. Nature finds a way..doesn't it?

Check back for the hopefully continuing (and heartwarming) story of Todias, the immaculate wonder toad. Picture to follow at a later date...

2005-07-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

Don't you love those special moments in time that become sweet little memories we can fall back on? Especially during those times when the present is not so great? A breathtaking view of the Chicago skyline bathed in the soft light of a crescent moon at 3:30 am....Lightning during a storm that completely lights up one's world for an instant..A tiny baby's warm snuggle..a spouse's wink across
a crowded room..a 3 year old's hand caressing your face with the words "I'm going to be upset when you go home, Gramma!"..an oblivious little granddaughter dancing with her dolly in perfect time to the music..a troubled son roaring with laughter for the first time in recent memory...an overjoyed cat leaping into my arm's upon my return home after a three day trip. Each day has it's own treasures if we only open our eyes and see..how blessed we truly are.

2005-06-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

Still here.....

I haven't taken time to blog again after my first one. It seems I am drowning in business paperwork..I guess that's an expected given with working out of my home. It's great to see the bright sun and crisp fresh breeze this morning after such a violent night. Tornadoes, high winds, torrential rain and hail were everywhere in Minnesota for much of the evening last night. So many weather report interruptions that it was difficult to even get thru a tv program. Even our tornado siren blew for a long time but all we received was all of the other storm adjectives mentioned earlier. Kev and I watched much of the storm from our fold-up chair perches in the garage. I love storms..they are so exhilarating! Perhaps we'll have an encore tonight...

An End to Procrastination...

2005-06-24T05:53:00.000-07:00

Well..I've learned the tough way that my procrastinations lead me to bad ends. I can honestly say it's time to turn over a new leaf forever. I can't take the stress that such behaviour causes. I admire those who do not have this trait.

On a brighter note..welcome to my little piece of the world. I enjoy reading others blogs on here..I hope there's someone out there who will enjoy mine as well.